What is THAT in the dryer?

There was a time when my home was spotless top to bottom and I kept it that way with only an occasional gripe from my dear husband. I'll call him "Peter." He would grumble a bit after I created meticulously straight lines across the carpet about how he was to get to the couch without leaving a mark. "So do I need to be Peter Pan?" he would ask. I truly wished he could--I loved those straight lines. Well that was then, ahhh the easy, pre-small boy days. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, but he has forced me to re-think cleaning, and to come up with easy and inventive solutions I never thought I would need! I'll bet most of you have no idea how to get gum out of your dryer barrel, or sharpie off your furniture, or burnt on popcorn stains out of the microwave, and yes, I know how to get rid of pee on any surface!

So just in case you need to know I'll share a few of my favorite tips.

One morning you open your dryer and aarrrggghhhh gum. Not just the wrappers or an unopened pack but ooey gooey gum all over your dryer barrel. Panic sets in -- a new dryer is just not in the budget. Hold tight my fellow Moms there is a solution! Take a deep breath and look to your dryer sheet. Any brand will do. Grab a few, wet them, and lean into the sticky mess. Believe it or not the sheet will remove the gum. You will stand up and think to yourself, I am a hero and I fixed the dryer! The gum has been obliterated.

Just when you think you've saved your home from the small offender you look at your kitchen counter and see "oh no a SHARPIE lid and no marker." Hyperventilating, you look on the ground around the kitchen and then to your son happily coloring at your uncovered kitchen table. Aaaaaarggghhhhh please my perfect little offspring are you using the washable Crayola markers??? Those innocent eyes look up, holding that beautiful stick drawing of”our family Mommy." My heart swells and then skips a beat -- black Sharpie! I remembered when I volunteered in preschool, a teacher handing another teacher a can of men's shaving cream and the marker on the tables mysteriously disappearing. I race up to the bathroom and return with a can of "sensitive skin" cream--oh well it will have to do. I spray it all over the offending stains. I sing to myself; remark to my son on how great we look in the portrait and secretly pray that the marker is gone when I wipe. I pick up a generous amount of paper towel and wipe, and I expel my breath, it worked!!!

Burnt popcorn is the demise of many a microwave both at home and in offices around the country. I must admit that this was my faux pas. The sensor on our microwave has never worked properly so I'm not quite sure why I believed when I hit "popcorn" that it would actually cook my popcorn perfectly. I left the room--big mistake. When I returned black smoke the likes of which I have never seen in my kitchen was pouring out of the microwave. I opened it and grabbed the smoldering bag which I quickly tossed outside to try to minimize the smoke. I then opened all the doors and turned on the stove vent--what a mess. The inside of the microwave was dark brown. It was gross and I believed ruined. I tried all the standard microwave cleaning methods, boiling water inside, lemon, baking soda, scrubbing pad and spray cleaners. Nothing would remove the staining. I was so irritated. I then turned to my computer and someone suggested nail polish remover. I have to admit I was skeptical. Memories of spilling it on my night-table in my bedroom as a young teenager and my mother's reaction came flooding back to me. I knew that nail polish remover can damage finishes but at this point the microwave was ruined. I grabbed the bottle and some cosmetic pads and it worked. It actually removed the staining. I stood in my kitchen doing just a little happy dance. I can't say that the smell is completely gone but it is much better and usable. I'm still working on a solution to get rid of the smell. I let you know when I find one--better than the vinegar solution which I don't think works.

Now my most ridiculous problem. My son is not a straight shooter. Please don't hold it against him but just know that he misses the bowl more than he hits it. The smell of pee nearly knocked me out in his bathroom. I tried everything. I tried all the traditional cleaning products, including those formulated for pets and nothing worked. The smell took on a life of its own. I'll admit I have a ridiculous olfactory sense. I smell everything! The only product I have ever found that completely removed any traces of dirty public restroom is Don Aslett's XO. I swear by the stuff. It has a funky smell when you first spray it but after a bit it destroys the offending odor and leaves nothing in its stead. I LOVE this product. We recently adopted a rescue puppy and it was a lifesaver. No one would ever know she had a few accidents in the house. It is one of my favorite all time products. I've had to mail order it but it is worth it. It comes concentrated and you mix it into a spray bottle with water so a little goes a long way. I keep a spray bottle in my son's bathroom at ALL times.

So my friends I hope if you ever face any of these issues you will now relax and know exactly what to do. My beautiful boy is a source of so much joy but as we all know he is incredibly busy. Every day I have more dilemmas and more solutions to find. I'm becoming quite the expert...Move over Heloise, Alice has an 8 year old son, 10 year old daughter, one husband, two dogs and a water turtle...I know things!

Not Politically Correct in 2011

So I've made just one resolution this year and that is, drum roll, to no longer be politically correct. The older I get the more I realize that opinions matter and that there is no need for political correctness. Our country was founded on the basic premise of equal rights and I'm not quite sure when the masses forgot what that means. People what that means is my opinion is okay. I don't have to agree with you (boy am I glad I don't).

The new political correctness is creating the most intolerant group of people in history. Children are no longer exposed to anything that might potentially offend them. So I ask (rhetorically of course) how are they supposed to have any original ideas? Have we descended so far into this vanilla (a/k/a liberal) society that we don't remember how to have a respectful disagreement?

In grade school I was a Hanukkah candle for a school holiday presentation. Could that happen any where but a Jewish school today--no. That was the year I learned about the festival of lights and what it is celebrating. So I know what my Jewish friends are doing on those nights. I'll offer a little secret -- I wasn't offended, scarred, swayed or anything negative in the experience. Instead I can fully wish my friends a Happy Hanukkah and know what I am saying.

Our schools allow no mention of the holidays we are celebrating in December except the new year. That's it...any parties are festooned in snowmen (not even blue snowflakes lest a reference to Hanukkah). We have Secret Snowflake Fairies (living on the edge there--potential homosexual reference)instead of Secret Santa. Honestly, does it really matter.

Every time I see some idiot fighting against saying the Pledge of Allegiance I want to vomit. History is important both for failures and successes. The ability to reject the Pledge has every thing to do with what the Pledge represents. Are people that stupid?

Should we all agree on the leadership in the White house? For the record, I do not agree, but I respect the office. This particular Commander is making it difficult but I love this country and our system works when we allow it.

Things have gotten crazier and crazier in this country. We don't stand up for any thing of substance. We stand up for not standing up. We allow feelings to trump rights and that's just wrong. Having your feelings hurt is not the same thing as having your rights violated people.

Most importantly, we have lost sight as a country of how lucky we are. People are still dying to get here (literally). The crimes against humanity in other countries are beyond most Americans' comprehension. We are living in a fool's paradise. We have truly forgotten what it takes to be great. We have forgotten that in most other places you are not allowed to speak against the government, disagree with policy, be and do what you want. This is a right that is so important to protect and political correctness is a big threat to those rights...think about it.

Do one thing this year. Stand up for what you believe in and don't worry about offending any one--NO MORE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS!

And because I'm allowed my opinion WTF is Kwanza?

End of Summer and Stuff (Lots of Stuff)

So the new school year is in full swing and I'm literally counting down the days until Summer! I've never been one of those Moms who looks forward to September. I love having my kids around and I love the endless possibilities of summer. This year was a little different because I worked but it was still great not to have homework or afterschool activities or a real schedule to follow. Sure we had to get out of the house on time and to camp but it was still summer. I love the warm weather and the sunshine.

Now we are back to having to be out every day after school. Julia has practice Monday, Wednesday and Friday for TWO hours and it will probably increase in January! Chris has soccer on Tuesdays and Thursdays with games on Saturdays. Soon we will add hockey into the mix and gymnastics meets over the weekends. We also have homework and bathing. It's hard to fit it all in...plus the powers that be in our school district added 10 minutes to the end of the school day, forcing a mad dash to get to activities on time.

I do not have a smartphone or blackberry (yet) so I carry "the book." The book has all our committments in black and white. I cannot believe that I have things scheduled all the way into MAY!!!! What happened to lazy days at home. I don't have to tell my kids not to watch tv -- they're not here to watch it.

I can't say I love all the activity but I also can't say I don't love it either. This is time I spend with my family. I am still reeling at the thought of Julia turning 10 in February so I know this is my opportunity to drink it all in--to burn these memories into my brain. I know that it will be over in a blink and I want to know that I was there--I was present. At the same time I would love a day or two to just be--to just laze around and not feel guilty that I'm neglecting something else. I am trying really hard to remember that when I'm gone people are not going to remember that my house wasn't always tidy -- I hope they will remember that I was here. I hope the kids will remember beyond that I drove them crazy that I was there...

Today I dropped Chris off at a party and then he need to be on the soccer field by 3:15. Julia happily has the day off, sigh ....she wants to go skating, maybe later...

Coffee Pot Obsession

Okay I'll admit it I have a coffee pot habit. That's the first step to over-coming it right? I have many different coffee pots. I have a french press, old fashioned percolator, assorted drip pots, a low end cappuccino maker, a Senseo pod pot, and my latest, Keruig one cup pot. Is this the end -- Nope!

I'm not too happy with the Keruig. I got it at Christmas and it's already not working properly. I did some research before I bought it and didn't find the information that I needed--they stop working after a while!

When I wake up in the morning I expect my pot to brew me a steamy, hot, delicious smelling cup of coffee. I look forward to that first sip of coffee. I sometimes climb into bed looking forward to the morning anticipating that sip.

Now I want a Tassimo. Most people would just activate their warranty (which I will try to do) and keep the most recent pot. Not me I'm ready to move on. My love affair with Keruig is over. Keruig disappointed me and it will end up relegated to the old coffee pot shelf in the garage.

The only pot that has escaped the garage is the Faberware Percolator. This in my opinion is the BEST coffee maker ever made. I've had it close to 20 years and it never disappoints. Being the lazy soul I am however, prevents me from using it daily. I save it for company. So if when you are here I pull out the percolator know that I like you and I am trying my best to impress!

I can't justify the Tassimo yet, but I'll keep you posted.

***Update***
So I call Keruig poised to give them a piece of my mind. To share with the poor customer service worker just how disappointed I am in their product and what happens...they are NICE and they not only replace my machine but upgrade me and send me free coffee. Are you kidding? I am speechless. So for the time being I am enjoying (really) my Keriug Coffe Pot. I'm still thinking about that Tassimo though sigh.

From SAHM to WM -- How in the world did that happen?

It started innocently enough with me reading an ad for a part-time office worker in our church bulletin. The ad said perfect for a stay at home mom. So I applied despite not really wanting work. A few weeks went by and I assumed my resume made its way to the circular file. Then I got a call from a woman telling me she would like to meet with me about the part time job. Yikes! What have I done?

We met one afternoon in the local Starbucks. For whatever reason interviewing always brings out the competitor in me. As a rule I am not competitive and I never participated in any competitive sport. The interview however makes me say and behave in a way to get the job at all costs. I am a champion at getting the job and then comes the quandary--did I even want the job?

Here I was sitting in Starbucks doing a bang up job selling myself and my multitude of skills and talents. She seemed absolutely delighted and told me she would call to set up an interview with her husband--the owner of the company.

Again a couple of weeks passed and I foolishly assumed that they had found someone else for the job. Then she called again and set up the meeting, and then cancelled it, then rescheduled, then cancelled and then rescheduled again. Finally, we met and again I went into super sell mode. He too was delighted.

Another couple of weeks go by and the call I dreaded came. "We would like to offer you the job." I hear myself despite of myself say "I am so excited that is wonderful." It was as if someone else was speaking for me. We agreed I would start in a week.

All week I thought about it....I don't want to work, but how can I pass this up? So I spend my last SAHM week doing regular SAHM things. Monday morning I was nervous and grumpy. I haven't worked for NINE years. What have I done? Why am I doing this?

I go to work and my new boss is late. She is so incredibly disorganized I sit and listen her try to find something for me to do. I do not have a good feeling about this.

The next day she sends me to Office Max to return something. As I walk out I realize I forgot my glasses. I can't believe it how do I forget my glasses. Hello I am fixated with my glasses. So I have to run into Michael's and buy a pair of readers to get through the day. This is not a good omen.

The next day again she is late, but I have a key and the code for the alarm. I let myself in and sit down. Who gives someone they barely know a key and their alarm code? That is just crazy if you ask me. So I sit and I wait for her. She arrives an hour or so later with a GIANT hole in her pants. Quick, quick I have to listen to my inner voice. Do I tell her or pretend I don't notice. Her panties are pink...still thinking. Then I hear that damn voice again..."Oh no you must have caught your pants on something they are torn." My inner voice is so tactful. Really she split her pants. She shares with me that she knew the pants were ripped but she put them in her closet and forgot about it and put them on this morning. We chuckle and the routine of trying to find something for me to do commences.

The rest of the week goes pretty much the same. She arrives late and then has to run back out for something. Days pass and it is finally Friday. I made it a whole week! Yeah for me. How long will this last? I'm not sure. So far I miss being being a SAHM but friends keep telling me how great this is for me...only time will tell.

This is Construction; We're Not Making Dolls

I love this quote. Cindy Stumpo will be featured on HGTV. I love that she has a career that is not typically one that women pick. Secretly I always wanted to be a truck driver or a Cypress Gardens water skier. I wanted to be a water skier long before the Go Go's used it on their album cover too! I never wanted to make dolls.






At this point I think my future at Cypress Gardens is pretty limited but I can still think about driving a big rig. There are few problems with that plan as well though. I'm great at going straight but if I had to back down a long road there could be trouble so I have another idea. I think I want to drive an escort vehicle. You know those vehicles that follow the WIDE LOAD. That I could do. It's sort of like the legal version of Smokey and the Bandit, which was another one of my career ideas; breaker, breaker it's Alice come on back...

What's New?-- A Lot!

Facebook has presented me with a whole bunch of new social dilemmas. When I opened my FB account I thought "great a place to re-connect with people" and it is, but...

It's also the scene of kooks, stalkers, weirdos and wannabes. Just last week someone who went to the same college as me sent me a friend request. I don't know this person, but I guess because we have the college connection he felt we could be friends. For a few minutes I reached into my memory and tried to figure out if I actually did know him but somehow forgot him. No I don't think so. Those who do know me, know I have a freakishly good memory. So now he has presented me with a dilemma. Do I ignore him, friend him or as my closest friend insists "X" him out! Ultimately I decided to just ignore him. It seems like the least nasty way to say "hey I don't really want to be your friend."

Also what's up with people friending you that you were never friends with. Just because you have some connection in life does not make you a friend. People who were not my friends in high school should not try to friend me now. It's decades too late folks.

I sent a friend request to a co-worker I haven't seen nor spoken to in many years and I waited to be confirmed. Each day that passed, I thought about reasons why she might not want to connect with me. Finally, when she confirmed me I felt a great sense of relief. We exchanged the OMG how are you posts and now what? Are we really going to re-connect? I doubt it. I think for a lot of us we have this odd curiosity to see what happened to these people from our past and to find out if we are doing better than they are.

For some people the number of friends is extremely important. I have a couple of people on my friend list who have 100s of friends. Come on are you really connecting with all these people. I'll admit it when I first joined I was tempted to "friend" all the people with my same last name who sent me friend requests and then I realized how ridiculous that would be.

My close friend decides early on if she will keep a newly friended member. If she has no contact with them for a specified amount of time she simply "unfriends" them. To me that seems a little harsh.... oh please don't unfriend me! She told me one day how my friend number had gone down by one because her mother had dropped off. I didn't notice but now I check that number daily just to make sure no one else has dropped me. To be dropped is the ultimate FB insult. I have on a couple of occasions turned a few people off... you know let me see less of ...Jane Doe. This is the less obvious way to get rid of people you don't want to hear from. Also this way you can pop in on them every once in a while just to see if by some miracle they've changed.

Last week a friend and I friended someone we used to work with. She went first and then me. Whew he confirmed both of us pretty quickly. I sent him the short little great to see you what's new message. His response seemed snotty. To my what's new he answered a lot! What does that even mean. Now I'm trying to decide does he just not know how to make small talk on FB or is he annoyed. Back to my memory...was I mean to him, did we end our work relationship on a sour note. I don't think so but maybe I did. My no nonsense friend has decided she may have to unfriend him soon because she doubts he will interact any more.

I've also turned looking for people on FB into a sport. Some people I would have bet would be on are just not. Some people I wish weren't are. I love, love, love the fact that some people just ignore all the FB warnings to privatize their walls and pictures. I'm able to look at some people without friending them at all...I know I'm sounding strangely stalkerish. Relax it's just for fun.

Then there are the gamers. If one more person sends a virtual flower, heart or hug I may puke! I'm tired of all the surveys...I really don't care what sitcom mom I'm most like. I'm also tired of the farming, fish tending set. I do not care that you have leveled up in the game. Truth be told I play, but I don't post each and every move I make. Get a life ...Start a blog!